Sometimes...

Into my sixth decade
It's taken me to
Realize
That
Sometimes, I love too much.

Out of my heart
Burst emotions
Blazing forth
And
Cutting a path
To those in my life
That touch my soul
And nourish me
As I live on.

I can't control the depth
Of
These emotions,
As they seem to have a mind
Of their own.

I give so much of myself
And I do it without
Being aware
Until the inevitable hurt
Comes blazing back at me.
Sometimes, I love too much.

As wonderful as love feels,
When the hurt returns back,
Travelling back at me
And
Without warning
The pain far exceeds the feeling
Of wonder
And cuts into my heart,
My soul
and
Every fiber of my being,
Splitting me open
As the lifeblood that is my
Soul
Runs out of me
Leaving me empty
And
Drained.

Sometimes, I love too much.

Yet,
I can't harness my heart,
I can't imprison my emotions
Though I keep seeking a way to do both.

Very few ever return
The depth of that love
But throw the javelin
Of hatred with unequalled
Force,
Penetrating that which is
Me,
And they smile and enjoy
As they do so.
Sometimes, I love too much.

The time is winding down
On this clock we call
Life,
And within that clock
The mainspring loosens
The energy disipates
The force empties out
And more pain exists than pleasure,
Leaving me to wonder,
Has it all been worth it?

The answer will not reveal itself
In this life
But in what comes after
And maybe then
I'll have the answer
And finally discover
If,
Sometimes, I love too much.

Uncertainty

Two weeks of pain.

Two weeks of worry.

Two weeks of confusion.

Two weeks of uncertainty.

It takes a toll on the mind.

It takes a toll on the nerves.

It takes a toll on sleep, yet during sleep the pain is not ever present as it is while awake.

You treat what the doctor diagnoses it to be, yet the pain is still there as are the unanswered questions as to whether his diagnosis was correct or not.

You hope it was, you hope it is, but you don't know for sure.

And you remember he told you, "I think that it is..."

But he wasn't positive.

And that's what stays on your mind as the suffering continues and the pain continues.

Uncertainty.

That in itself is a disease that eats away at your soul.

Fear

Fear.

The mention of the word itself causes one to pause and contemplate just what there is to be afraid of.

Fear.

It distorts rational thinking, destroys common sense and practical emotions and it emits its own radar that awakens deeply imbedded feelings that otherwise would be left alone and sleeping in the psyche.

Fear.

It has an all enveloping power and devours one's day to day living. It deepens some feelings and puts to rest others, and it acts like a cancer on one's soul and eats a person up when they are filled with it.

Fear.

It has a power of its own. If it could be harnessed it could power cities for months without the need for any electricity.

Fear.

I wish to hell it would leave me alone.

Testing One's Limits

I truly believe physical pain can completely destroy the mind and human emotions. It does all it can to change one's perceptions and ideals.

Physical pain is the devil getting inside the soul of humanity.

We can't let it win.

Depart And Be Free

He sits.

Alone, he sits.

His mind wanders.

His wandering mind moves over things so fast, evaluating and reevaluating so many different things.

Years ago he questioned himself, wondering if he were the one at fault.

Then, as the years went by, he realized he no longer needed to question himself.

He was fine.

He was not at fault.

He had cared.

He had tried.

He had been the one to be depended upon.

In actuality, those were his weaknesses.

Those weaknesses were his kryptonite.

For one that he felt so close to at one time, he realized, that was the one that enjoyed the hurting the most.

That was the one who did the hurting.

It became a game.

And just as the one doing the hurting believed that he was winning the game, the one being hurt realized he wasn't really being hurt, he was simply being used.

Used for entertainment.

Used for bragging rights.

Used as a game.

Used sadistically.

Being hurt by one whom he thought had loved him.

Being hurt by one whom he had tried so hard for so many years to protect.

And when this realization hit him and he recognized the truth for what it really was, no longer did there exist any hurt.

No longer did there exist an absence in the heart.

No longer were there any questions.

He saw the answers.

He saw the truth.

The hurt was no more.

Anger replaced the hurt.

Anger became his lead shield against the kryptonite.

He was no longer sad.

He was no longer hurt.

He was no longer confused.

He was no longer depressed.

He was, quite simply, fucking mad as hell!

Which caused him to smile.

Cell

Absence of color
Void of life
No sound
Empty of spirit
Cast aside
Forgotten
Trampled underfoot
Loss of purpose
No longer unique
Purged

A Sobering Reflection

Something happened to me this week that makes me take into consideration the past 31 years that I have been cancer free. I won't go into detail about it, but let's just say I got woke up, jolted, shook and reminded about the wonderful gift the past 31 years have been.

Don't take your good health for granted, because quite frankly, it can be taken from you at anytime without warning.

Thank you, Almighty God!