From The Bent Mind, Part Four

This was written the day before The Third Day Reckoning, or day number two post op. This poem pretty much sums up my fears of the worst and the terribly down state of mind I was at that time. Funny how cancer can do that to you.


Reflections November 7, 1982

Laying here a-thinkin' in my hospital bed
Knowin' I'd rather be here that I would be dead.
Friends and family visit, especially my wife,
And they help to make me know, that I've led a good life.

The fears that I've had, have been morbid and real
As I wait looking forward to yet another liquid meal.
The visits calm my nerves, the shots ease my pain,
Yet the fears and the worry keep invading my brain.

I'm afraid that this cancer might shorten my years,
And could my smoking have caused this, or was it just too many beers?
My life seems too valuable to just smoke it all away
And I believe I'll just kick this nasty habit someday.

Dear Lord, help me I ask, help me as you please
And rid my young body of this malignant disease.
All my life lies ahead and I'm going to grab it
And to hell with this cancer, 'cause the doctor done stabbed it!

From The Bent Mind, Part Three

Back in November of 1982 I had cancer surgery, actually I underwent surgery to remove testicular cancer. While in the hospital, I wrote the following poem to try and cope with the mental and physical pain I was going thru. Hope it got the point across.

The Third Day Reckoning

This horrid pain is killing me
And I wish to hell it'd stop.
I'm jump right off this stinking chair
And onto my bed I'd flop.

I've heard it said that day number three
Is the worst for post-operative pain.
This could be true, for day three is here
And the pain is driving me insane.

It feels like my guts want to rush forward
And burst right out of my skin.
And if that would happen, with all of this pain
I'd no doubt forget to shove them back in.

All I need is one more shot
To help me thru the day
And then tomorrow when I wake up
I'll try and face the fourth day.

Written November 8, 1982

No Answers

Unbridled confusion
Abounding,
Thoughtless answers to required
Questions
Seeking finality,
Finding none,
Becoming one with
Anonymity,
Useless apathy
Gaining strength
And like a spreading cancer,
Overtaking,
Devouring,
Winning.

MIA

I have a friend who is missing in action.

I don't know what has happened to her, where she has gone or even if she all right or not. I only know I haven't heard from her since October of last year.

She's a writer and a damned talented one at that. She writes some unbelievable poetry and she amazes me with her wit in her writing.

We met on blogger by chance, and we both became followers of the other ones writing. We commented back and forth on different entries that the two of us did and we occasinally e mailed each other.

She's a vibrant woman, a single mom, or the last I knew she was. She had gone thru a big move in her life and it was one that took away from writing for quite a while. When she finally came back I felt like a father feels when his daughter has been out of touch for quite some time and all of a sudden there she is again.

I've written her a few times but have heard nothing back. She's not posted, at least not on her usual page, and if she has another one, I don't know what it is or where it is.

I don't know if she's well. I don't know if things are going well in her life or not.

I only know I miss her, I miss hearing from her and I miss reading her poetry.

Not knowing how she is bothers me because she had become such a good friend to me and there is a loss in my life not knowing that she's okay.

If any of you who follow her know anything about her, please get in touch with me and let me know. For that matter, if she reads this, let me know you're okay. I just need to know that you are okay and I'll feel a lot better.

Hope to find out something good, hope to find out all is well, and I hope you start writing again, too. You far too talented not to keep it going.

I miss you, Autumn!

Pondering, Pondering

With all your infinite wisdom
How can you be so damned
Stupid?

Rest In Peace, Flatrock Grill

Not all friends that leave our lives much too early are people. Sometimes they can be places, such as businesses and such.

That's the case with the recently closed Flatrock Grill.

The Grill was my friend, my safe haven, my place to go and feel cared about and needed and appreciated.

Now it's gone, but will never, ever be forgotten.

Economic times and a lack of local support of this fine establishment contributed to its recent demise. Hard to imagine when a place such as this, with its fine food and awesome atmosphere, is gone now.

The owners, Brian and Alli Rodgers had a first class, top notch eatery here, folks. Great steaks, pasta and seafood, a really nice bar,a beautiful atrium which overlooked Riverside Park, plus a staff that was second to none were there all the time, each day they were open for business, but in these times, it unfortunately wasn't enough.

Bartender Walt, his wife Cassidy who was a server, Granny, as Alli's mom wished to be called, Megan, Greg, Rick, Shea, Christian(hope I spelled it right) and Ronnie, as well as others who had come and gone, were always ready with a smile to help make your visit a pleasant one.

In the past two years that my wife and I were regular customers, these folks all became an addition to our family. Whether we made reservations or just walked in off the street, whether they were moderately busy, slow, or packed in like sardines, we always received the best service and best food possible.

The Grill was a valuable sponsor to our Summer Concert Series at Riverside Park. They not only fed the daytime concert volunteers and sound technicians, but they always served a high class meal to both the opening bands and the headlining bands as well. They even fed the 85 member Carmel Symphony Orchestra two years ago, a mammoth undertaking, no doubt. They always wanted to do more for us, including providing us with ice backstage for our performers water and soft drinks.

Easter Sunday proved to be our final meal at the Grill, as Alli and Brian made the very hard decision to close that day. I can't imagine the emotions behind such a decision, and I can't imagine what it felt like to have your dream fall apart after trying so hard and investing so much time, emotion, hardwork and money into a business.

I'm going to miss going in for a cold beer, a nice steak or burger, and those awesome deep fried green beans that they served. I'm going to miss the visits and conversation with all those folks who worked there, and I'm going to miss celebrating our wedding anniversary and birthdays there, as well.

"Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone." The words from that song sing out to me each time I think of losing the Flatrock Grill, and I'm sure our community is going to feel the loss as well for a very long time to come.

Thanks to you all for the memories, the fun, the friendship and the great food.

I'm mourning the loss as well.

From The Bent Mind, Part Two

Political protest song I wrote from 1982. Had such a great tune worked out for this one, very reminscent of the 80's hair band type music and such, wish I could recall what it sounded like in my head. Anyway, doesn't matter, I loved the words when I wrote it then, and as I read them now, I still enjoy what I wrote over 27 years ago.


To Ronnie, While On Vacation

The winds of change are blowin',
We're tired of playin' their game
Stick to our battle, pick up your arms
'cause things can't stay the same.

We've taken the establishment shit for so long
They've blinded us so we can't see.
The rich man continues to rule this land
And they've stuck it up you and me.

Can't you see where it's headed?
Can't you see where we've been?
It's time to get down and boogie
This is one we've got to win.

They disguise their ruse so carefully
Enticing us with pleasures we taste
They take all our emotions to suit all their needs
And motivational resources become as waste.

Our money is spent on their wishes
They control us as we do what they please.
Wake up you damn fools, and get ready to fight,
We must wipe out this malignant disease.

Can't you see where we're headed?
Can't you see where we've been?
It's time to motivate in our direction,
Get down, we've got to win.

We need our soldiers to have perception
So they can see who we've got to fight.
It's the political disguise of the capitalist pigs
Making laws to their own delight.

If this cancerous condition keeps a movin'
In the direction we presently see,
There'll be no bill of rights, no constitution or declaration
And no longer a land of the free.

Can't you see how it's goin'?
Can't you see where it's been?
So tell me, motherfucker,
Don't you really want to win?

Stand up, take arms and be counted
Be ready to fight for a true cause.
This country of ours, is dying, my friends,
Let's fight troops and show them our balls.


Conceived January 2, 1982

Some Blasts From The Past/From The Bent Mind, Part One

During a recent spell of spring cleaning, my ever industrious and hard working better half happened upon a spiral notebook of mine from back in the early 1980's which was a collection of short stories and poems of mine cleverly entitled "Windy Feathers and Chicken Lips." Her finding this was like a reunion with an old friend you haven't seen in over twenty years. I thought it would be kind of fun to add a few of these ditties from years ago onto my page and let my Faithful Few see what I was up to all those many years ago. As luck would have it, I dated everything I wrote back then and I am really happy to be able to throw a few of these entries onto my page here from time to time. I used to sign everything at the end "from the bent mind of one...", then my name, and then the date. I will entitle each of these entries from time to time "From The Bent Mind" and add the date of the entry. Hope some of you will take the time and add some comments and let me know what you think of my bent mind from many, many years ago.

With that said, let's proceed with this first entry.


My "Good" Friend

You call yourself my good friend
A special one amongst the others
I placed so much of my trust in you
And then too late discovered.

As friends we should share good times and bad
The good outweighing the bad.
I've stood up for you, and too late I've found
That I've been cleverly had.

We laughed, we cried, we drank we smoked
And closer I felt we grew,
But your affection for deceit bore its fruit
And apparently our friendship is through.

I wasn't aware until too late
Of both the faces you wore.
And now that I know you, I can't help but say
That you're really one hell of a bore.

So take your lies on up the street
And go on deceiving someone else.
My advise to you, is direct, yet it's cool,
And that is simply, "Go fuck yourself!"

Conceived July 10, 1982

View Thru The Crown (Royal)

I've been so very pessimistic as of late. I try to find the positive, to remain upbeat, but pessimism keeps taking its reigns and leading me right back down the negative path.

Maybe I spend too much time watching the news or reading news or blogs that talk about the shape of our world today, but let's face it, our economic picture is affecting us all, each and everyday.

I talk to people while I'm working that are losing everything, their jobs, their life savings, their hope and their faith. Moods seem to be so down as lives take on new hardships never before encountered.

Businesses are closing, filing bankruptcy or simply disappearing at an alarming rate. The auto industry and all affliliated suppliers are in a quandry. The U S Postal Service is losing money at an alarming rate and talk of layoffs and eliminating one day of delivery a week is being discussed in front of Congress.

Businesses are relying on the government and the taxpayers to bail them out because of their dire financial straights and piss poor decisions, yet these same businesses that have taken bailout dollars to the tune of billions and billions are rewarding the idiots that ran their businesses down the tubes, stating they give them bonuses to keep them employed. Is it just me or is that the biggest crock of shit they've come up with yet?

I'm worried, I'm scared and I'm pissed! I stay with these same three day in, day out, and I wonder each day what the hell else is going to go wrong. Where is all this madness going to end?

I hear people already slandering our new president because he hasn't turned our economy around in the less than ninety days he's been in office. Amazing that it took years to get here but our new president is being judged because he hasn't solved this crisis in mere days.

Personally, I applaud the efforts President Obama has made so far and that I believe he will continue to make. I find it commendable that he is not hiding anything from the American people as did the president we had the previous eight years.

I applaud our nation for looking past race and electing a president based solely on his plans and his accomplishments and his ideals and for giving a man of his limited experience the chance to turn our nation back into the great and prosperous nation it was a decade ago.

I sit, I wait, I wonder, I worry and I get pissed, and I will for sometime to come and I hope very soon we see changes for the better occuring.

For now, another sip of Crown might make things look a little better.

And only for short time.

As Scarlet O'Hara once said, "After all, tomorrow is another day."

Syko

I would love to design a T shirt that says in large block letters:

I'm not schizophrenic
And neither am I!


OR:

Being schizophrenic isn't so bad.
Just ask me,
Or, if you'd like,
Ask me!

Joe

One of the hardest parts of life to me is having to say goodbye to those who you have grown close to and care for. Such a case has happened once again this week.

Ten days ago I received a phone call at work from a friend of mine, who was calling me in a business capacity. What the call was about is irrelevant but what this friend told me really shook me up.

Joe told me the reason I hadn't seen him the past couple of weeks was that he was in the hospital. I asked him if it was anything serious and he told me he had been diagnosed with cancer, pretty much throughout his body. I was in disbelief when I heard this, because for anyone who knew Joe, he was a very physically strong and active individual who had a very rough exterior but a heart as big as all outdoors. If you were a friend, there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for you. If you were an enemy, at least a recent one, you had best keep an eye behind you.

I met Joe nearly 40 years ago and I took an instant liking to him. I saw him frequently and we always had a great time together and we were good friends, to say the least.

If Joe knew someone had done you wrong, they best keep an eye out as well because he didn't take kindly to his friends being screwed over. More than once he came to my aid and as far as I know nothing ever got to the point of being physical; hell, it didn't need to. No one wanted to feel Joe's wrath.

Once I got my full time job I saw Joe even more frequently, and as the years went by his rough exterior and demeanor became a bit more subtle, but he tried to keep that same personna about him. The old saying of his bark is worse than his bite was certainly true. He had too kind of a nature about him and the number of people he helped out was a testimony to the realness of his actual self.

Joe truly cared about people and he helped a lot of them out.

I think a few might have taken advantage of him, but that didn't stop him from taking care of them anyway.

During all the years I knew Joe, his friendship with me never waivered one bit. He was the same friend throughout all the years. The past ten years or so he took to calling me Mr Charlie, and it never once failed to bring a smile to my face.

Some of our conversations revealed a lot about how he had changed over the years. People that he had feuded with in years past he now had buried those grudges, whether they knew it or not. He certainly wouldn't have told them directly, that wasn't Joe's style and it didn't fit the facade of the man. He had become a Christian man and had forgiven those of his past and had settled his score quietly with his savior. After all, who did he really need to settle the score with other than the good Lord above?

I learned day before yesterday while I was paying for gasoline I had just put in my truck that the Lord had called Joe home. Even though I knew he was bad, I guess I wasn't ready to hear that my friend had died the day before.

There will be those, I'm quite sure, who will feel a bit of revenge has now been settled. After all, like I said, Joe did have his enemies, or at least those enemies who didn't know that they were no longer his enemies. For them, I feel a bit of sorrow in my heart, because they never got to know the Joe he had become the past few years.

In his heart he had forgiven them, and I guess somehow I'll have to find that acceptance myself and forgive them for their feelings as well.

Eventually, that is. I won't be able to do that just yet, however.

For right now, I'm grieving for the loss of a friend of mine, a constant friend and one whom I will miss very much until I come to terms with the fact that he is gone for now.

Because of this grieving, my heart will tend to be cold to some degree as well.

Rest in peace, Joe! I know how you were years ago and how you had grown these past few years. I am honored beyond words, to have been your friend.

Thanks for remaining my constant friend all these years.

You'll be missed by far many more than you would have ever imagined.

I'll be one of them right there at the top.

Mired In Deep Winter Again

It would be an understatement to say that my new year started off not so great. Not that I like complaining about it, but it has to get better, trust me.

First of all, I hate winter tremendously. I tend to become a hermit of sorts, preferring not to get out in the inclement weather and cold winds of January. I don't like snow, I hate sleet and freezing rain, and I miss the sunshine which seems to evade us a lot during the winter.

This winter, however, I have been saddled with probably the second worst ear infection of my life. Not only has it been extremely painful and slow in healing, it has temporarily cost me most of the hearing out of my left ear.

My devoted wife and myself tried to doctor it on our own, but after a couple of weeks of no improvement, it took a trip to the family doctor and his prescribing antibiotics and steroids to get things on the road to improvement.

We also discovered during my visit to the doc that my ear canal is mostly blocked with ear wax, which sounds disgusting, but is actually not all that uncommon. The bad thing about it is that it has robbed me of a lot of my hearing, even without an infection. The infection just compounded the problem somewhat.

Anyway, now that the infection is pretty much gone, phase two will begin as we start softening up the wax blockage and prepare to flush it out, hopefully here at home and not at the doc's office.

Maybe then I'll start hearing better and start feeling like doing more outside the home. I can only imagine how much of a drag I have been to be around.

In two weeks we celebrate our 31st wedding anniversary with a trip away for a few days, and I'm looking forward to being with my wife, reading a couple of books or so, walking and sight seeing and of course the snuggling that goes along with any trip away from home.

Our suite we have reserved overlooks the Ohio River and the food at the restaurant at the inn is excellent. Five days away should be just what the doctor ordered to get out of the deep winter funk I've fallen into once again this year.

Hopefully within the next two weeks I can have all of my hearing back once again.

And one final note: In my humble opinion, winter SUCKS!!!

Thirty Years And Counting

Amazingly enough, yesterday, January 2nd, I completed thirty years of employment with the US Postal Service. I always said when that day arrived, I would hang it up, retire, and move on to something else.

However, now that the time has arrived and that day has passed, I'm still at my job, still going to work each and everyday, and at present, I can't seem to think of what date I might eventually hang it up.

I love my job, my customers are very important to me, and I know as sure as I'm sitting here, that when the day does come and I do decide to retire, there's a lot of those customers, who over the years are more than customers to me, I know that I'll probably never see a lot of them ever again.

I'm not ready for that to happen.

At least not yet.

Someone once told me that my life was pretty much a Mayberry sort of existence, and even though that was meant as a put down, I considered it one of the greatest compliments I have ever received. I think we all need a little bit of Mayberry in our lives, each and everyday. If that is what my life has been perceived to be by someone, so be it.

I'm happy here, I'm content here, and I don't ever plan on being anywhere else.

So for now, I'm staying with my job, I'm going to continue to try and give my customers the best service I possibly can each and everyday, and I'm going to continue to love clocking in and doing what I've been doing for the past three decades.

I'm going to continue being right here in Mayberry.

My Wish To You

Thanks to all who have hung by me this year. Sporadic postings, some quite grim have kind of been the norm for the past few months, but hopefully next year things will be a bit different when you come here. I appreciate each and everyone of you, my Faithful Few.
Merry Christmas and may you all be blessed with peace and happiness this holiday season.

The Final Purge

I have no wishes for you this holiday season.
No good wishes, but no bad ones, either.
You see, you no longer exist to me.
You left my heart and the place you held there years ago.
I feel no remorse over these feelings, but I feel no happiness to be having them for that matter.
You are not really dead to me, but are no longer real to me as well.
Memories of you are fading, and they are fading fast.
The memories that were good now seem like distant dreams.
The memories of you which were bad are similar to nightmares from long ago, and you can't quite remember what it was about them that scared you so.
I know it wasn't meant to be this way, but you left me no choice.
A heart can only stand so much pain that it finally either has to break, or it has to defend itself in the best way possible so it can avoid the hurt, the pain and, of course, the eventual breaking that comes along with it.
There is nowhere that you stand within the confines of my heart.
You're actually now on the outside and you hold no true place there anymore.
I know you'll never read these words, that doesn't bother me in the slightest.
Part of my healing is to put these words down and purge that last little bit of you out of my soul, and that has now been done.
I can't wish you good.
I won't wish you bad.
How can I?
You aren't really real anymore, are you?
I don't care if you're happy.
I don't care if you're sad.
I don't care if you are alive.
I don't care if you are dead.
You are, after all, no longer real, so what does it matter?
I'm so much better off without the unrealness of you in my life.
Who were you, really, anyway?

3 1/2 And Counting

The holiest of holidays approaches
And what I wouldn't give
To spend that time
With loved ones
Who departed this life
Years ago

As I sit dreaming of such a reunion
Alive and well
I can't understand
The apathy
Of those who seek
To rob the gift of love
From those who fantasize
Of sharing the love
From those too selfish
And who don't even
Care.

There are those
Who do relish
A sharing
A caring
With no strings attached
And it is with those
Whom I now
Let into my heart
For they seek not to hurt
But to give.

abandonment

They were all right here

Can someone please tell me

Where they have
Now

All
Gone
?

stature

He
Stands
Amongst
So
Very Many

Yet
Has never
Felt
So
All alone

Salvation?

Crying out, no one heard him
His mouth shut
They heard from mountains away

His smile, heartfelt that it was
Beckoned to no one

His frown
Was seen by all

To himself
He was an
Enigma

To those around him
He was a well read
Book

Could he find himself
Amongst those who mattered?

Only if he was trying to hide

A New Path?

A few weeks ago a good friend of mine started a new blogpage and made an entry that really spoke to my heart. For whatever reasons, he decided to delete the entire page, something I wish he hadn't done. He's a damned good writer and he feels better each time he writes, but again, he has his reasons, so I have to support him on his decision.

He had made an entry regarding his health and his weight and what he needed to do to get both under control. This particular entry tugged at my heart because I am now facing similar circumstances in my life.

After my vacation a few weeks ago, actually, the first day back to work, I went to the family doctor for routine bloodwork and a flu shot. After the nurse weighed me, and me discovering that I now weigh more than I ever have in my life, she took me to the examination room and took my vitals. The first thing the doctor did when he came in the room was to take my blood pressure for a second time.

This had never happened before except on one other occasion, which was when they discovered I had developed high blood pressure.

This time, they discovered my blood pressure was the highest it had ever been. The bottom number had moved into the three digit category, which isn't a good thing, especially considering I already take two different blood pressure meds.

He informed me I need to lose a minimum of 25 pounds, and more desirably around 40 to 45 pounds. I need to lose that first 25 before my next appointment in February.

He explained to me that I am placing a strong amount of strain on my heart, and because of the increase in my blood pressure, I'm flirting with having a stroke.

Maybe I had too much on my mind during vacation and was letting some things worry me more than I should have. That would probably make a few of my enemies happy to know that, but to me, having that type of a burden added to my already hectic life isn't something I'm all that keen on.

So, in the last three weeks I've had only one beer, maybe two, which isn't all that big of a deal, but I do enjoy a cold one occasionally, but I enjoy living more.

I've cut out my snacking, or at least the size of those snacks, and I'm leaving candy entirely out of the picture. I'm eating smaller portions at mealtime, and I'm doing my best to walk more and be more physically active.

A few pounds have gone away, but I need a lot more to go the same way.

With the onset of cooler temperatures, I'm going to have to force myself to do more activities outside and ignore the fact that I totally abhor colder weather.

It's not going to be easy for me, because frankly, at my age, I have developed a lot of bad habits and it's harder to change now than it used to be.

I can only hope I can make these changes and make them before it is, indeed too late.

So, if you see me out and I seem to be a bit preoccupied, trust me, I am. I'm in a battle here that I truly desire to win, and win big. I need to eliminate as much stress from my life as I can, and for anyone who knows me, THIS is going to be my biggest challenge.

If you see me, encourage me, support me and let me know that can and will do it.

After all, it appears as if my life does indeed depend on me making it work.