The Waiting Continues

Another month to worry
Another month of hell
Another month of waiting
To find out if I'm well

Despite the words of others
Despite their faith and hope
The worry gnaws at my psyche
Like a bride who has eloped

Although the pain subsides some
The symptoms still remain
The big C lies in hiding
Awaiting to play its game

For now I have to try
And take it day by day
And move on with each moment
Enjoying life without delay

awaiting

awaiting answers
to so many
questions
i've yet to ask
but soon will
will his vast
knowledge
and his expertise
give me the news
i need to hear
that i
long to hear
that i desperately
seek
are the days
numbered
or are they
innumerable
will i find the answers
tomorrow
or
will i have to wait
longer than i already have
so until then
i am
awaiting
answers
to so many questions

Time Warp

Across the years
Maneuvering thru a wormhole
On target with the psyche
A voice bursts forth
Revealing itself
Awakening
Acknowledging
Refraining
Yet
Rewarding
Calming
Reassuring
Evolving
And making one wonder
Why
This wasn't possible
Until
Now...

Sleep?

Sleep seems to becoming a huge issue with me.

In bed at 11:30PM and wide awake at 2:32AM.

Lying in bed and trying not to disturb your sleeping partner is a difficult thing to do, since finding a comfortable position to lie in is becoming harder and harder for me.

The mind wanders, the mind races.

Sleep continues to evade.

So, why stay in bed?

So here I am, awake for over and hour and half and apparently no chance of falling back to sleep for the next several hours.

Local news on a reliable station (certainly not a Fox affiliate) begins in 16 minutes.

Time enough to go make a pot of coffee and sit back in the recliner.

Sleep.

Wish to hell I could buy me some.

really

When age reaches a certain point and health issues become a conflict in one's life, it's amazing the things that go thru one's mind and the lengths some will go to in an effort to be able to stick around and continue to bug the hell out of people.

It's also a reminder that time is the one commodity that there just isn't enough of to go around...

and the beat goes on....

Why is it that when you have something that is unique and offers so much to so many that there are those who try to manipulate, change, distort, convolute, tear down, ruin, mutate and maneuver just to suit themselves?

fighting for position

reasons
many
conclusions
few
never knowing what to say
never knowing what to do
on course for a collision
imminent disaster on the way
confusion
abounding
decisions
none
despite all good intentions
nothing ventured
nothing fun
setting sights straight ahead
not looking to the left or to the right
won't make much difference
what happens each day
or what transpires each night
life
fleeting
moments
sparse
listening to all those words
and realizing it's just a farce
yet despite all the lies
broken promises
empty words
some that were spoken
better left
unheard
reality
sucks
delivers
pain
regardless of what happened
much was gambled
but nothing gained
the conclusion
unrevealing
empty heart
empty
head
moving on in the present direction
won't make much difference
going to still
end up
dead

ahead

out here
out here where no one else goes
where no one else treads
and where no one else lives
i am here
i am he
i am what they were
and i am alone
and here i am
frightened
lost
and confused
but the way is becoming clearer
the road is becoming wider
and there is a light ahead
and towards that light
i travel
looking neither right
nor left
nor over my shoulder
just straight ahead
towards destiny
and my reward

Leakage

His fears,
Sealed away in a Mason jar,
And despite the lid being clamped tightly,
A leak occurred
And the contents
Slowly
Escaped and seeped into his days,
His nights,
His every waking moment
And encased him
With their suffocating vapors,
Awakening the dark,
The foreboding,
And that which he wished would sleep.

Halfway Down?

How did it become July 10th? I mean, it just seems like last week my friend Joe and I went to the Indy 500...and the 4th of July was almost a week ago...how did that happen and where have I been? In two weekends, Joe and I, along with Taco, will be heading to the Brickyard 400, and a week later the Moto GP...a month after that is Labor Day, and although a lot of nice weather is still in store after Labor Day, but Labor Day is the ceremonial farewell to Summer...how is this happening so quickly? Winter sure never went by this fast.

So many things I had planned have been left undone and not happened because of health reasons, but it instills in my mind that there's still plenty of Summer left to enjoy and enjoy to the fullest. I don't feel the best in the world, but I'm not going to let that stand in my way of enjoying the rest of this summer...

After all, as Summer winds down the greatest month of the year opens up, October, and the glorious Fall days lie ahead to yet enjoy...

I won't think of Winter now...

Not yet, regardless of how I feel.

Slow down, Summer...there's much to do yet.

More Ponderings

Why is it some people's sole purpose in life is to be bitter, angry and hold grudges?

How can it be that some people are not happy if they aren't miserable?

What is the turn on of trying to hurt someone and find enjoyment in the misery of others?

I don't understand this and I never will.

Love, understanding and respect. Three items of human nature that are slowly becoming extinct.

A New Perspective

Amazing what a few days away can do for the outlook one has.

My phenomenal bride of over 36 years took it upon herself to book us a few days away at our favorite Hampton Inn, and, after a few days of r and r, my mind is clearer, my body is feeling better and my entire personna has been helped beyond words.

I don't know what I did in my life to have been blessed with this amazing woman, but when I look back over all these years, I can honestly tell you I'm glad that I did whatever it was so that I could have her in my life.

Now, if everything else, as far as mind and body goes, will just continue on the present path, all will be right with the world.

Sometimes...

Into my sixth decade
It's taken me to
Realize
That
Sometimes, I love too much.

Out of my heart
Burst emotions
Blazing forth
And
Cutting a path
To those in my life
That touch my soul
And nourish me
As I live on.

I can't control the depth
Of
These emotions,
As they seem to have a mind
Of their own.

I give so much of myself
And I do it without
Being aware
Until the inevitable hurt
Comes blazing back at me.
Sometimes, I love too much.

As wonderful as love feels,
When the hurt returns back,
Travelling back at me
And
Without warning
The pain far exceeds the feeling
Of wonder
And cuts into my heart,
My soul
and
Every fiber of my being,
Splitting me open
As the lifeblood that is my
Soul
Runs out of me
Leaving me empty
And
Drained.

Sometimes, I love too much.

Yet,
I can't harness my heart,
I can't imprison my emotions
Though I keep seeking a way to do both.

Very few ever return
The depth of that love
But throw the javelin
Of hatred with unequalled
Force,
Penetrating that which is
Me,
And they smile and enjoy
As they do so.
Sometimes, I love too much.

The time is winding down
On this clock we call
Life,
And within that clock
The mainspring loosens
The energy disipates
The force empties out
And more pain exists than pleasure,
Leaving me to wonder,
Has it all been worth it?

The answer will not reveal itself
In this life
But in what comes after
And maybe then
I'll have the answer
And finally discover
If,
Sometimes, I love too much.

Uncertainty

Two weeks of pain.

Two weeks of worry.

Two weeks of confusion.

Two weeks of uncertainty.

It takes a toll on the mind.

It takes a toll on the nerves.

It takes a toll on sleep, yet during sleep the pain is not ever present as it is while awake.

You treat what the doctor diagnoses it to be, yet the pain is still there as are the unanswered questions as to whether his diagnosis was correct or not.

You hope it was, you hope it is, but you don't know for sure.

And you remember he told you, "I think that it is..."

But he wasn't positive.

And that's what stays on your mind as the suffering continues and the pain continues.

Uncertainty.

That in itself is a disease that eats away at your soul.

Fear

Fear.

The mention of the word itself causes one to pause and contemplate just what there is to be afraid of.

Fear.

It distorts rational thinking, destroys common sense and practical emotions and it emits its own radar that awakens deeply imbedded feelings that otherwise would be left alone and sleeping in the psyche.

Fear.

It has an all enveloping power and devours one's day to day living. It deepens some feelings and puts to rest others, and it acts like a cancer on one's soul and eats a person up when they are filled with it.

Fear.

It has a power of its own. If it could be harnessed it could power cities for months without the need for any electricity.

Fear.

I wish to hell it would leave me alone.

Testing One's Limits

I truly believe physical pain can completely destroy the mind and human emotions. It does all it can to change one's perceptions and ideals.

Physical pain is the devil getting inside the soul of humanity.

We can't let it win.

Depart And Be Free

He sits.

Alone, he sits.

His mind wanders.

His wandering mind moves over things so fast, evaluating and reevaluating so many different things.

Years ago he questioned himself, wondering if he were the one at fault.

Then, as the years went by, he realized he no longer needed to question himself.

He was fine.

He was not at fault.

He had cared.

He had tried.

He had been the one to be depended upon.

In actuality, those were his weaknesses.

Those weaknesses were his kryptonite.

For one that he felt so close to at one time, he realized, that was the one that enjoyed the hurting the most.

That was the one who did the hurting.

It became a game.

And just as the one doing the hurting believed that he was winning the game, the one being hurt realized he wasn't really being hurt, he was simply being used.

Used for entertainment.

Used for bragging rights.

Used as a game.

Used sadistically.

Being hurt by one whom he thought had loved him.

Being hurt by one whom he had tried so hard for so many years to protect.

And when this realization hit him and he recognized the truth for what it really was, no longer did there exist any hurt.

No longer did there exist an absence in the heart.

No longer were there any questions.

He saw the answers.

He saw the truth.

The hurt was no more.

Anger replaced the hurt.

Anger became his lead shield against the kryptonite.

He was no longer sad.

He was no longer hurt.

He was no longer confused.

He was no longer depressed.

He was, quite simply, fucking mad as hell!

Which caused him to smile.

Cell

Absence of color
Void of life
No sound
Empty of spirit
Cast aside
Forgotten
Trampled underfoot
Loss of purpose
No longer unique
Purged

A Sobering Reflection

Something happened to me this week that makes me take into consideration the past 31 years that I have been cancer free. I won't go into detail about it, but let's just say I got woke up, jolted, shook and reminded about the wonderful gift the past 31 years have been.

Don't take your good health for granted, because quite frankly, it can be taken from you at anytime without warning.

Thank you, Almighty God!

The Greatest Spectacle In Racing, Version 98.0

This past Sunday I was once again privileged to be able to attend the 98th running of the Indianapolis 500. Beautiful blue skies, temps in the low 80s and a field of cars separated by only 4 miles an hour led to one of the pleasurable races I've ever had the pleasure to attend.

Only two weeks prior to this, I got to go see the Inaugural Grand Prix of Indianapolis on the newly built road course in the infield.

I got to witness Jim Nabors sing "Back Home Again In Indiana" for the last time, which truly put tears in my eyes. Our seats were on turn 3, six rows up, which put us only about 40 feet from the track. About 5 feet further out, the cars carrying dignitaries passed us, again, just a mere 45 feet away, and I had the pleasure of seeing several people, including Jim Nabors, Colts quarterback Andrew Luck, as well as several past champions of the Greatest Spectacle In Racing. I got to see three turbine powered cars take a parade lap around the track, and listen to the strange whisper quiet power plants as they drove by us.

And then, the 500 mile race itself, with a vast number of leaders, lead changes, and the second closest finish in Indianapolis 500 history. All of this happening less than 50 feet in front of me. And while the seats were not on the main straightaway, they were excellent and provided us with so much action to watch.

And best of all, I got to share this experience with my good friend Joe, who got us the tickets thru his place of employment. This entire experience cost us each $10, which was half of what we paid to park in someone's yard.

We already are making plans to go back next year for the 99th running of the Indy 500, as well as this year's Moto GP motorcycle race and the running of the Brickyard 400.

I am so blessed to live within an hour of the greatest race course in the world, the Indianapolis Motor Speedway.

I can't wait until I get to go to this magical place once again in just a few weeks.